Time Marches On

One year ago today I found out that my Angel baby went to heaven. Surprisingly, I am not as sad as I initially thought I was going to be. I thought I was going to cry today. I thought I was going to be sad all day and not want to communicate with anyone or tell anyone what was wrong. I didn’t have to do that. I didn’t have the sudden urge to cry and I didn’t have to lie to anyone about my mood. I am actually really proud of myself for it too. I feel like I have overcome the pain and the grief.

Of course it still hurts and I still wish it would have been different but things happen for a reason. Whether we know the reason or not, it all has a purpose. We may never know why things worked out the way they did or didn’t but that’s the mystery in life. If life was predictable, it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. It wouldn’t be as great. We wouldn’t know the feeling of true happiness or love if it weren’t for sadness, anger, loss and heartache.

I have always been told that I give good advice. In fact, I remember a night with my husband and one of his friends in a hotel room and his friend was asking my advice on girls, relationships, marriage and love. Every single question he asked, I answered. He looked at me and told me that I should have my own talk show like Oprah Winfrey. One piece of advice that I have given the most is “Instead of being pissed off or upset about the things you don’t have, be grateful for the things you do have because a lot of people would kill to be in your place.” The hardest lesson I have learned is to follow your own advice-- my own advice.

 Even at my darkest times I was always willing to help those that I felt needed the help more than I did. Looking back, I realize that I was wrong. They didn’t need the help more than I did. I needed the help. I needed my own help more than they needed my help. I am no use to anyone if I am no use to myself. This past year has been filled with different lessons to be learned, tears to be cried and love to be expressed. I have learned more about myself in the past year than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like this experience has helped me know myself better and in turn that makes me a better person.

I have a bad habit of not following my own advice during my darkest times. When I found out about the baby, everyone would try to help by saying “It’ll be okay” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Well, yes they were right. At the time, I thought they were full of shit. Then one day I woke up and I realized that I have wasted so much time dwelling on the past that I have basically seen my life fly past me without even noticing it. I realized that the whole deployment I could have been doing something productive like going to school or working. Instead I went out and acted like it didn’t affect me. The truth is… it did. I started truly feeling it when I was alone. So close to homecoming I should have been feeling bliss and joy but instead I was feeling pain and grief and that could have been avoided if I just let myself feel the pain, loss and grief when it happened.

The day that I woke up and realized that I had missed out on so much, I decided it was time for a change. I took all my maternity clothes, baby clothes and any other baby anything and I put it away. I talked out loud while I was doing it and I said “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I want to forget you… It means I have to move on. I can’t live in the past anymore. I have to move on for the sake of my sanity, my future and my life.” When I told my husband what I did he just hugged me and told me he was proud of me. He let me pour out the tears, and he let me just talk. He told me he loves me.

The most important thing I have learned this year is simple. Follow my own advice. It’s easier said than done, but if I can overcome this, I can overcome anything. So far, I have come a long way between then and now and I am 150% dedicated to keep going. Keep getting stronger, keep getting smarter and keep getting braver. If I can do this, anyone can do this. Yes, it’s hard and it’s a bumpy road full of tears and hurt but you can do it. You can get stronger and you will. It takes time. The saying is true, time does heal all. There’s no way of knowing how much time it will take and you can’t guess. It’s different for everyone and it’s different for every situation. You just have to move on with life. You have to get through it and you have to be strong. Take it a day at a time.

“Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain.” Curtis Jackson AKA 50 Cent