Being Alone

I spend a lot of time alone. If Andrew’s not deployed chances are he’s doing some field training or some classes. Even when he is home and just has a Marine Corps version of a “normal” day at work, he’s gone all day and sometimes into late night. Everyone always says how strong I am for dealing with it and getting through it and they always say “How do you do it?” Well there’s not a simple way to answer that and I doubt there ever will be. I don’t know how I get through being apart for weeks and months at a time, I don’t know how I get through not speaking to him for weeks at a time and I don’t know how I get through the sleepless nights and crying myself to sleep. I just do, and I do it because I love him. The only people who will ever understand why I do it and how I get through it are the men and women who have been in the place I am. Other military wives and husbands.  Now I have never met a military husband but I’m sure they exist and I’m sure they understand how it feels to be apart.

If you know nothing about the military lifestyle, don’t ask. Don’t come up to a woman going through a deployment and ask “How are you holding up?” or “Aren’t you scared he won’t come back?” How does it look like I’m holding up? I’m alive and I’m getting through the days and that’s as good as I can ask for. As far as being asked if I’m scared that he won’t come back… Of course I am, but I don’t think about that. I think about him coming home. I am scared and I do worry, but I don’t think about that. I don’t think about the worst of things, I always think about the better side of things. As a military wife you have to constantly look at the good side of things, especially if your husband is infantry. You can be walking around sad all the time when you’re going through a deployment. You have to do something, you have to go out with your friends you have to work, go to school, go to the gym or start a club. You have to keep yourself busy at all times. Keep your mind off things and write as often as you can. I wrote my husband almost every day while he was deployed.

During deployment I discovered a lot about myself. I discovered that I am strong, both emotionally and physically. I started going to the gym and I’d go for 2-3 hours every day. I’d go to friends’ houses and I’d go visit family. Every thought I had was written down on paper and sent to my husband. Even being constantly busy, he was always on my mind. I could always feel his love from 2,000 miles away and if I closed my eyes at night I could hear him say “I love you.” Sometimes I would be outside on a still night and I would talk to God and tell him to send my husband a message and I’d just talk and then a breeze that I couldn’t feel would pour over the trees so quietly and I felt like it was God’s way of telling me everything is okay and giving me a hug.

I can get through anything that God and life throws my way. Andrew and I can get through anything that God and life throws our way. Our love grows deeper and stronger with each passing moment, even those that we do not spend together. He means the world to me, and I know I mean the world to him too. He is always with me in heart so in that sense.. I am never emotionally alone.