Rules of Marriage

Promise: Noun: A declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that guarantees that a particular thing will happen.

Love: Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection.

Forever: Adverb: For all future time; for always.

I promise to love you forever. Come richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

I love by those words. We stood before God, our family and our friends and vowed to love each other forever no matter what. My husband and I take our vows very seriously. We never allow anything to come between us. We are always honest with each other, no matter how hard it is to say something. We talk about anything and everything and we talk to each other before making any big decisions. If we don’t agree with each other, we talk until we meet a happy medium that we both agree on. We compromise with each other and that’s why we get along so well. Yes, we do have our arguments occasionally but we know how to work through them together.

Some people I have seen don’t take their marriage as serious as my husband and I do. I see guys yelling at their wives in public and talking down to them. I’ve seen women sneaking around their husband’s back during deployment and even when they’re home, and I’ve seen men sneaking around their wives back too. I have to be completely honest… That is absolutely disgusting. If you don’t love, trust and respect your significant other, then you don’t deserve to be with them. You can’t trust someone if you don’t respect them and you can’t love someone if you can’t trust and respect them. You have to trust and respect your significant other to love them, to truly, honestly, deeply, full heartedly love them.

If you don’t treat your significant other well, he or she will find someone that will. Sooner or later your spouse will find someone to treat them like a king or queen. No one deserves to be in a bad relationship. No one deserves to be beaten or cheated on. Not even beaters or cheaters deserve it because two wrongs don’t make a right. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

The old sayings are true… Treat others the way you want to be treated. Now that doesn’t mean that you have the right to go cheat on your significant other if they’re cheating on you. It’s not right, and nothing will ever make it right. Don’t stoop to their level; don’t be as immature as they are. Be a grown adult and be a good person and do what’s right for you and your family.

Trust: Verb: Believe in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Respect: Verb: Admire someone or something deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements.

Fidelity: Noun: Faithfulness to a person, cause or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support.

Time Marches On

One year ago today I found out that my Angel baby went to heaven. Surprisingly, I am not as sad as I initially thought I was going to be. I thought I was going to cry today. I thought I was going to be sad all day and not want to communicate with anyone or tell anyone what was wrong. I didn’t have to do that. I didn’t have the sudden urge to cry and I didn’t have to lie to anyone about my mood. I am actually really proud of myself for it too. I feel like I have overcome the pain and the grief.

Of course it still hurts and I still wish it would have been different but things happen for a reason. Whether we know the reason or not, it all has a purpose. We may never know why things worked out the way they did or didn’t but that’s the mystery in life. If life was predictable, it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. It wouldn’t be as great. We wouldn’t know the feeling of true happiness or love if it weren’t for sadness, anger, loss and heartache.

I have always been told that I give good advice. In fact, I remember a night with my husband and one of his friends in a hotel room and his friend was asking my advice on girls, relationships, marriage and love. Every single question he asked, I answered. He looked at me and told me that I should have my own talk show like Oprah Winfrey. One piece of advice that I have given the most is “Instead of being pissed off or upset about the things you don’t have, be grateful for the things you do have because a lot of people would kill to be in your place.” The hardest lesson I have learned is to follow your own advice-- my own advice.

 Even at my darkest times I was always willing to help those that I felt needed the help more than I did. Looking back, I realize that I was wrong. They didn’t need the help more than I did. I needed the help. I needed my own help more than they needed my help. I am no use to anyone if I am no use to myself. This past year has been filled with different lessons to be learned, tears to be cried and love to be expressed. I have learned more about myself in the past year than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like this experience has helped me know myself better and in turn that makes me a better person.

I have a bad habit of not following my own advice during my darkest times. When I found out about the baby, everyone would try to help by saying “It’ll be okay” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Well, yes they were right. At the time, I thought they were full of shit. Then one day I woke up and I realized that I have wasted so much time dwelling on the past that I have basically seen my life fly past me without even noticing it. I realized that the whole deployment I could have been doing something productive like going to school or working. Instead I went out and acted like it didn’t affect me. The truth is… it did. I started truly feeling it when I was alone. So close to homecoming I should have been feeling bliss and joy but instead I was feeling pain and grief and that could have been avoided if I just let myself feel the pain, loss and grief when it happened.

The day that I woke up and realized that I had missed out on so much, I decided it was time for a change. I took all my maternity clothes, baby clothes and any other baby anything and I put it away. I talked out loud while I was doing it and I said “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I want to forget you… It means I have to move on. I can’t live in the past anymore. I have to move on for the sake of my sanity, my future and my life.” When I told my husband what I did he just hugged me and told me he was proud of me. He let me pour out the tears, and he let me just talk. He told me he loves me.

The most important thing I have learned this year is simple. Follow my own advice. It’s easier said than done, but if I can overcome this, I can overcome anything. So far, I have come a long way between then and now and I am 150% dedicated to keep going. Keep getting stronger, keep getting smarter and keep getting braver. If I can do this, anyone can do this. Yes, it’s hard and it’s a bumpy road full of tears and hurt but you can do it. You can get stronger and you will. It takes time. The saying is true, time does heal all. There’s no way of knowing how much time it will take and you can’t guess. It’s different for everyone and it’s different for every situation. You just have to move on with life. You have to get through it and you have to be strong. Take it a day at a time.

“Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain.” Curtis Jackson AKA 50 Cent

Adjusting to Adjustment

Adjustment is something every spouse has to do and has to get used to. If you’re the spouse of someone in the military, you know that all too well. On top of having to adjust to being a wife and living with your husband you have to learn the language of the military. You have to learn what the difference between Woodland and Desert is. You have to learn what skivvies are. You have to learn all the acronyms and what they mean. Most of all, you have to learn to adjust from being a wife with her husband to a wife going through deployment. For those of you who have children, you have to learn to teach your children where daddy is and why he’s gone so long and you have to learn to be a single parent (so to speak).

It’s hard to go through a deployment. I thank God that our deployments are 7-8 months because some other ladies don’t have it that great. I know that I have it easy in that sense; however, it is also harder on my part because my husband is a grunt. Each job in each branch as its advantages and disadvantages and you as a wife need to learn to adjust to all of it. You have to know what the hell a POG (pouge) is. For those of you who are reading this right now thinking “What the hell is that?” it means ‘Person other than grunt’. Those are the boys you see riding around in cop cars and the ones that check your ID, pass and tags at the gate and the ones that give you passes and tags at the main office and basically anyone that isn’t a grunt.

Anyways, back to deployment. First, you adjust to living on base and living with your husband. You have to adjust to different field ops and school and classes. You have to adjust to deployment, which I promise you will be the hardest thing for you to adjust to. Most of the time, once you adjust to being alone during deployment, it’s time for homecoming and then you have to adjust to being back with your husband and cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for two. You have to adjust to sharing the computer and not being able to watch whatever you want to watch whenever you want to watch it.

Learning to go through a deployment is quite an experience. Not only do you have to learn to sleep alone you have to learn to do everything you once did with your husband- alone. Grocery shopping, watching television, driving, eating, drinking, texting, playing games, showering and everything else you can think of that you did with your husband.

I get through it and those of you who haven’t been through a deployment yet, you will get through it too. No one can tell you how to make your deployment easier. Something that works for me might not work for you. The things that worked for me were basically just staying busy. I never had any down time unless it was time to sleep, shower or write a letter. Other than that I was constantly going and constantly busy and it helped me keep my mind of everything which helped make it seem like the time apart wasn’t as long.

Make it through deployment and get to homecoming. I promise you, homecoming is amazing. It is the best feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. It was like falling in love all over again even though I was already in love to begin with. Seeing your man walk off that bus, through that door or off that plane is the best feeling in the world. Holding him in your arms again is pure heaven. That first kiss after months and months of waiting makes all the sleepless nights worth it.

An Angel Kitten for an Angel Baby

April 13^th is the anniversary of my Angel Baby going to heaven. That is in four days. After I had the miscarriage I wanted to get a new kitten. I wanted a pure white kitten with green or blue eyes. I looked around for months to try to find the perfect one. Well I didn’t find the one that I had pictured in my mind but I did find another beautiful kitten. She was white with black accents and sky blue eyes. I named her Luna and she has been my little baby ever since.

Today, April 9^th, my friend’s cat gave birth to a litter of kittens. It is typical that when an animal has a litter that at least one will be still born, and his cat was no exception. She gave birth to three live kittens and one still born. The still born came out last. After my friend cleaned the kitten off, he saw that she was pure white. 100% pure white, born from a 100% pure black mommy. Well my friend was really disappointed about the still born kitten and I wanted to try to say something that made him feel better and little did I know at the time what I was going to tell him would help me as well.

I told him that when a person or animal has a still born or a miscarriage that God thinks that soul is already perfect enough to get into heaven, so he calls them up to be with him for the rest of eternity. I told him that the anniversary of Angel Baby going to heaven is in four days and I said that God wanted to give Angel Baby the perfect kitten for her anniversary. I told him that Angel Baby wanted a pure white kitten just like mommy did and when God found the perfect one; he brought it up so Angel Baby could have him.

I didn’t think about what I said before I said it. I just let it all pour out of my heart. After I said it I read it over again and I realized… Wow… this is most likely correct, and it’s amazing. It’s too ironic to be chance. Today is the first day that I have been able to talk about my Angel Baby without wanting to cry out of sadness and grief. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I could have met my baby and held my baby tight but she’s with God now, and she will never have to know heartache and loss. She will never have to know the ugly part of the world. She lives in paradise and I will meet her someday and I will have that chance to hold her tight.

My Angel Baby means the world to me. I love her so very much and even though I can’t give her things I want to give her there is one thing I can. I can give her unconditional, undying love. God can give her the material things I wish I could give her, a kitten, a house, a toy and a hug and a kiss before bed. I know God is giving all those things to her on my behalf and he’s telling her everyday how much I love her and how much I miss her.

I know that she watches over her daddy and me every day and she’s there when I think about her. She’s there when I want to hold her and she’s there when I want to kiss her. She’s here even though I can’t see her, I can feel her. I know she can feel me, hear me and see me. She knows what I think about her and she knows her daddy and me love her forever and ever. Now she has a kitten with her up in heaven to sleep with at night. Her kitten is sleeping in her lap purring and they play together as often as possible.

My Support Page

Some people wonder why I run the support page I run. For those of you who don’t know, I am the owner of a Facebook support page called DogTags N BabyFever. Initially I made the page just for Marine Corps wives who have children, want children and who are trying to conceive. Later I expanded it to wives, girlfriends and fiancées of any man in any branch of the military, who have children, want children and who are trying to conceive.

Well I made the page because I had never seen a support group for pregnancy and parenting. I have no children but I do want them. I know a lot about pregnancy and even though I am not a parent I believe I have been around babies and children enough to help others out when they need advice and support. I love the page and I love to think that I have made a difference in someone’s life by giving them advice or having the other girl’s on the site give advice to them.

In addition to pregnancy and parenting questions, I get a lot of relationship questions. I get questions about family, friends, life, money… basically anything and everything someone needs advice on. I do it because I love to help people. I do it for other people to meet friends in their area and I do it so I can make friends as well. I’ve made some very great friendships from the page and I don’t think I would have ever met them if I hadn’t made the page. Of course I wouldn’t have known they existed if I didn’t make the page so it wouldn’t matter but now that I do know them and they have helped me through hard times and given me love and advice, I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I hope other ladies on the page have had the same experience.

It’s hard to be the significant other of a man in the military. You have to deal with the loneliness, the distance and the obvious dangers that I don’t have to mention. When stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes the best people to turn to are people who have been in your same situation. When my husband and I went through our first deployment I know the only people who made me feel better besides my family were other ladies who were going through deployments as well.

That’s the point of the site. To help others and to get help from others. We all need it from time to time. Some people only like to get advice from people they know but personally, sometimes I prefer getting advice from semi-strangers because then I know they at least can’t judge me. Even if they do, it doesn’t matter because they don’t know me either.  

Memories

Today I watched a movie with my father in law. In the movie there was this guy who had a daughter with this woman named Petal. Well Petal went and ran off with their daughter, Bunny, and Petal sold Bunny to the black market for $6,000. Petal then got into a car accident and was killed on impact and the police found Bunny and returned her to her father. Well there’s a lot of turns and twists in the story and I’d tell you the title so you could watch it for yourself but I can’t remember what it is. Anyways, the guy starts talking to his aunt and she says “It takes a full turn of the calendar to get over losing someone.” That got me thinking. A year can be a long time, or a short time, whichever way you want to look at it. Either way, I don’t think a year is enough time to get over losing your significant other, especially the other parent of your child. Maybe it is enough time to move on, but I don’t believe someone will truly ever ‘get over’ losing their significant other.

I believe there is a difference between getting over something and moving on. Getting over it means you’ve forgotten. It means you don’t care anymore and it doesn’t ever cross your mind and if it does, it doesn’t affect your mood in the least bit. Moving on means that you’ve accepted what’s happened and you’re ready to get on with your life but you still hang on to that memory, that hurt and that feeling. The love and happiness you felt when you were with that person still remain when you think about their life, but the hurt and emptiness you felt when you lost them come when you think about what happened that it came to an end. I’ve lost people I cared about and I’ve moved on. I miss them when I think about them and it kills me to know that they’re really gone but I’m okay. They live on by my memories and by the memories that others had with them as well.

Memories are all some of us have of the ones we’ve loved the most. Some of us don’t have belongings or photos left because time has marched on and things have gotten lost. Personally, I always try to keep one piece of the loved ones I’ve lost. For my great-grandmother, I have a doll she made me when I was a kid. For my unofficial brother, I have a shirt and a picture I drew him. For my mother in law, I have her gloves and tons of photos. I was only four when my grandmother passed but I do remember her and I have her name.

Make good memories every single day. Cherish every moment you have with your loved ones. Laugh as often as you can and smile even more.

Morals

Today I ran into someone who had very strange and odd morals. The person shall remain nameless and the place that it happened shall remain a mystery. The subject of animals came up and she said that she finds it acceptable to “beat a dog’s ass” and when I starting digging into that subject deeper she got defensive. Meaning she knew it was wrong, but she didn’t want to admit it. She then later said “I hope no one sees me beat my daughter’s ass.”  What kind of mother does that? What is she thinking? It’s not okay to beat a dog but it’s even worse to be planning on beating your child when said child isn’t even born yet! It doesn’t make sense to me how a person could say things like that. How can a person act so hostile towards an unborn baby growing inside your belly? I don’t get it. If I were pregnant I would never speak that way of my unborn baby and I would never “beat her ass”. They say ignorance is bliss but how can I ignore that? How can anyone ignore that? I wish people could just be more respectful and have better morals.

I also once heard about a woman who cheated on her husband while he was deployed. I mean, I know that happens often but this one really made me angry. She had a baby while her husband was deployed and when he was due to come home she was there and she said that she wanted to see this man one last time before her husband came home. Her husband was due home in HOURS and she wanted to go see him again. Now I don’t know this person at all, I never even met her, but if this story is true… That is just ridiculous. It’s bad enough that she cheated but it’s even worse that instead of getting things ready hours before her husband comes home she wants to go see a guy that she started a relationship with while her husband was deployed.

Animals and people should not be physically or emotionally abused. It’s wrong. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone beat you and you couldn’t defend yourself like a child or a dog? I wouldn’t like it. I would feel like shit about myself for the rest of my life. Treat your animals with respect and you’ll get the results you want. Use positive reinforcement and they’ll learn what you’re trying to teach them. Treat your children and significant others with respect. Don’t yell at them and don’t hit them. If you sit down and talk to someone with respect, they’re more likely to listen to you than if you just yelled at them. Respect. It’s not a hard lesson to learn.  

Being Alone

I spend a lot of time alone. If Andrew’s not deployed chances are he’s doing some field training or some classes. Even when he is home and just has a Marine Corps version of a “normal” day at work, he’s gone all day and sometimes into late night. Everyone always says how strong I am for dealing with it and getting through it and they always say “How do you do it?” Well there’s not a simple way to answer that and I doubt there ever will be. I don’t know how I get through being apart for weeks and months at a time, I don’t know how I get through not speaking to him for weeks at a time and I don’t know how I get through the sleepless nights and crying myself to sleep. I just do, and I do it because I love him. The only people who will ever understand why I do it and how I get through it are the men and women who have been in the place I am. Other military wives and husbands.  Now I have never met a military husband but I’m sure they exist and I’m sure they understand how it feels to be apart.

If you know nothing about the military lifestyle, don’t ask. Don’t come up to a woman going through a deployment and ask “How are you holding up?” or “Aren’t you scared he won’t come back?” How does it look like I’m holding up? I’m alive and I’m getting through the days and that’s as good as I can ask for. As far as being asked if I’m scared that he won’t come back… Of course I am, but I don’t think about that. I think about him coming home. I am scared and I do worry, but I don’t think about that. I don’t think about the worst of things, I always think about the better side of things. As a military wife you have to constantly look at the good side of things, especially if your husband is infantry. You can be walking around sad all the time when you’re going through a deployment. You have to do something, you have to go out with your friends you have to work, go to school, go to the gym or start a club. You have to keep yourself busy at all times. Keep your mind off things and write as often as you can. I wrote my husband almost every day while he was deployed.

During deployment I discovered a lot about myself. I discovered that I am strong, both emotionally and physically. I started going to the gym and I’d go for 2-3 hours every day. I’d go to friends’ houses and I’d go visit family. Every thought I had was written down on paper and sent to my husband. Even being constantly busy, he was always on my mind. I could always feel his love from 2,000 miles away and if I closed my eyes at night I could hear him say “I love you.” Sometimes I would be outside on a still night and I would talk to God and tell him to send my husband a message and I’d just talk and then a breeze that I couldn’t feel would pour over the trees so quietly and I felt like it was God’s way of telling me everything is okay and giving me a hug.

I can get through anything that God and life throws my way. Andrew and I can get through anything that God and life throws our way. Our love grows deeper and stronger with each passing moment, even those that we do not spend together. He means the world to me, and I know I mean the world to him too. He is always with me in heart so in that sense.. I am never emotionally alone.

About Me and a Little History

Andrew and I met in high school but we didn't start dating until 3 years later in 2009. We were married September 12, 2009 in a small quiet ceremony and have been happily married ever since. Andrew is currently a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps and we are stationed in Twentynine Palms, California. In January of 2010, we decided it was time to expand our little family and we were pregnant in February. Shortly after Andrew left on our first deployment I went in for an ultrasound with my mom and had been informed that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. It broke my heart as well as my mom’s. I had to tell my husband via phone call one night. It was the hardest phone call I ever took part in. I would rather go through the physical pain than the pain of telling him he wasn’t going to be a father when he got home. I was wrong in the way I worded it. He is a father and I am a mother. We are proud parents of a beautiful angel baby. Someone once told me that my baby was already perfect enough to enter into heaven to be with God. Hearing that made it seem less hurtful. We made it through and are stronger now but there are times that it still hurts. We are not currently trying again for another baby.

We have two cats. A 20 month old male orange tabby cat named Evan and an 11 month old female Burmilla looking cat named Luna. I have never seen a cat quite like Luna. She is small for her age and she has baby blue eyes. She has some black toes and some pink toes and no two paws are the same on her. She is a definite mommy’s girl. She sleeps with me, she follows me around all day and if she’s not lying right next to me, she’s always somewhere close. Evan is a strange cat. He is big and he is fat, although daddy says he’s just husky. He knows how to give kisses, when you call him he will come like he’s a dog and he usually lies on his back. We have a tendency to treat our cats like they are children.

My mom is my best friend. She has always been there for me through thick and thin and unlike a lot of people around me, she has never judged me for anything I have done or thought about doing. We buttheads a lot but that’s because we’re so alike that we get on each other’s nerves. Despite the arguments, we both know we always have each other. Although I may not always show it, I appreciate everything that she has ever done for me from the day I was born to now and forever.

I love my whole family with my entire heart, and if I mentioned them all and said something about each of them it would take up the whole internet to explain. My family is simply complex. They love me so much and when I’m around them I can feel it, and when people who have never met my family come around, they always say “Sarah, your family really does love you a lot.”, and I believe every word of it, now and forever.